Dear Bucky
by TheOwletQueen
Summary: Bucky fell from the train, but Steve can't accept that his best friend is just not there anymore. So, he writes letters to him, informing Bucky of what's going on. No Slash, goes on in 21st Century. - Currently paused due to my muse running away. -


**What can I say? Not much inspiration for 'You'll Never Walk Alone', so I'm writing this to practice Steve's POV a bit. Also, I pity him.**

**If I owned Captain America or The Avengers, I would probably have Steve be out of shirts all the time since his Rebirth :P Watch the movies and tell me whether I own them. **

Dear Bucky.

I don't really know why I am writing this. Probably it is because of what Peggy said. She said that if I respected you, I would also have respect your choice about letting go.

The guys are drunk. I exspected that. And... you know, I can't get drunk. I'm Captain America. I can't. I mean, I would like to, but it's impossible.

So, they're drunk. Drunk out of their mind. Howard, too. He paid for the drinks. I haven't seen Peggy. She would probably smile at me for writing you. Not laughing, she wouldn't do that. But smiling.

Because, see, you are dead. I know that. But... you're not gone. Not entirely. You wouldn't do that. I don't believe in God, you know that, too. But... you're still there. I don't believe in God, but I picture you being an angel, and you sit on a cloud. Don't laugh about that. I'm sure you do. And because of so many other clouds, you can't see what's going on here. That's why I'm writing. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but... Bucky, honestly, I already miss you. Well, it would be weird if I didn't, wouldn't it? So is it okay if I go on writing to you? I hope it is.

Well, I'll go on being Captain America. But not for the war, not for America, not for the other Howlers, not for me. It's for you, Bucky. Because you made me Captain America. True, Erskine gave me the body. Peggy gave me the final push to rescue you. Howard gave me the Shield, an the Red Skull gave me the opportunity, the enemy I needed. But, you know, they all wouldn't have succeded weren't it for you. I can't say what you did, but you were the first, the most important and the last to finally make me Captain America. So, I owe you something. I can hardly buy you a drink or something like that, but there is something I can do. And that is being CaptainAamerica and winning this bloody war...

Hell, I miss you. Don't laugh. I can't drown that feeling in beer as the other guys did. It's not even the pain. That I think I can manage. It's the feeling that suddenly, there's stone where my heart was. Not cold, but cool. At first there was the anger, mixed with sorrow and pure desperateness, but now... I don't feel.

You know, our barrack is small. So all of you guys snoring and sleeping an breathing, that was rather loud. But I could always differ between you and the guys. I stayed awake many nights. You know that as well. Some nights, you would wake up and catch me staring at you. You'd tell me I should sleep a bit and padded next to you on the matress to invite me over. And I'd come.

Now, I can't. It would be wrong, snuggling against another guy because the blankets are too thin to provide any real warmth. And I'd be sleeping on your mattress. There's nothing wrong with it. Just, you know, it's yours. And you should be the one sleeping on it. Not me. I know we always sleep on different mattresses, but that's your space. And it's empty now.

I know, I'm talking nonsense. I should probably sleep.

We're going to give the Red Skull the final push tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. It's in the alps as well. It's probably extremely dangerous. We're probably all going to die. And... I was always afraid of death, but now... see, if I would die facing the Red Skull, my death would be useful, wouldn't it? And... if that was Captain Americas last act, it would be okay, wouldn't it?

So... well, I have to go to sleep. I'll probably write you tomorrow.

Yours, Steve

Dear Bucky,

We aren't going to make the Red Skull-assault today. Colonel Phillips says we can only go if there is no thunderstorm. I don't care about the rain. I don't care about the thunder. I want to go today. I want to kill the Red Skull myself. I want to avenge you.

We didn't do anything today. It's killing me. It's really killing me. I wish we could go.

Maybe I'll still try getting drunk.

Yours, Steve

Dear Bucky,

He again said we wouldn't do it today. The thunder has ceased. I don't want to wait. I didn't get drunk yesterday. I can't.

Wait for me on that cloud of yours, will you? I'm gonna join you one day.

But we have news from the battles. It doesn't look good. Our forces are dying like the flies on the continent. Hell, I wish I could join them and kill some Nazis.

But that's not what I'm supposed to do. That's not what Erskine wanted. I told you about Erskine, didn't I? He wanted me to stay the way I was, back then, and back then I didn't want to kill Nazis, I just didn't like bullies. He even told me that when he was dying. If you meet him, up there in heaven, tell him I said hi.

But, maybe you're not in heaven. Remember that time you made me smoke and I nearly died because of my asthma attack? Remember when you threw my math test, where I was way better than you, in the drain because you were jealous? Oh, true, I always was. But, well, see. You can't be in heaven, they don't take people as evil as you.

I'm joking, of course. You have to be in heaven, since... you know, you're a rather nice person after all. Scrap the rather, you are a wonderful person. If they didn't accept you in heaven, though, tell them I will get angry if they don't.

We didn't do anything today. I wish I could tell you something.

Howard made my motorcycle even better. I tried it; it's amazing. You would be jealous. Also, I found out that that there is no friend of Peggy's who would dance with you. I'm sorry.

Well, she said there is a very good friend back in good old America, but she's married and has already two children.

America. You know, I always imagined winning the war and then coming back by ship, and we're standing at the front (Is it called front when it's a ship? I have no idea.) and there is the Lady Liberty greeting us with the sun coming up behind her back. We would have won the war. Together. I became a super soldier to have the privilege of personally escorting Adolf Hitler to the gates of hell. That's what they said. Would you have joined me? Because, see, there are no more super soldiers, and you are the closest one can get to being a super soldier, and you're my best friend. So, would you have helped me escorting that guy? I've never escorted somebody before, but you undoubtedly have. So maybe you could have given me lessons.

Well, there really is nothing more. I lost against Dum Dum and Jim in chess, and I didn't even play against the rest, because they battled Howard. I am of no use in this game, so we tried pokering. It's a shame, Gabe said, but I am not even very good in poker, and I lost every game except for the last one... But, well, they let me win there.

Do you think that is bad? You know, for being a normal guy and all that stuff.

Well, I think I will survive.

It's late now. We're probably giving the Red Skull hell tomorrow, so I gotta catch some sleep. Write to you tomorrow.

Good Night!

Steve

Dear Bucky,

I don't have much time. We're going to get the Red Skull today and destroy his last base. He's going to be dead before he even boards his plane to bomb the West-coast of America, I promise you!

Sky's clear, so maybe you'll be able to see us?

If not, take some heavenly binoculars. Yes, that one was a joke. Please laugh.

So, gotta suit up now.

Yours, Steve

**Dum Dum and Jim are some of the group Steve assembled; they call themselves The Howling Commando. So, one team member would be a Howler, right?**

**Also, I still love love love love reviews :)**


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